The high marks Asian Americans get for emotional intelligence focus on our above-average academic and career attainments. In his bestselling Emotional Intelligence (Bantam Books, 1995) Daniel Goleman cites the fact that while the average IQ of Asian Americans is only 2-3 points above that of the American population, our achievements are commensurate with significantly higher IQ levels -- 110 for Japanese Americans and 120 for Chinese Americans. He credits this to traits like persistence and discipline, two key qualities he associates with emotional intelligence (which I'll call “EQ” here).

That's only half of it. As a matter of reality Asian Americans must overcome much more than the usual obstacles. American society contains enough racists and proudly ignorant bigots that Asian Americans are routinely ambushed by gratuitous racial offenses and discrimination in everything from career opportunities to restaurant service. Coping effectively with those kinds of persistent background conflicts is a key element of EQ for Asian Americans.

Goleman's EQ analysis is helpful in understanding why some people with high IQs derail while others with average IQs achieve outstanding success. Other qualities central to EQ, according to Goleman, are self-awareness and empathy. Overall, he sees emotional intelligence as being about four times as valuable as IQ in success. But the concept of emotional intelligence isn't new. It merely puts a new name on qualities that have been recognized for milennia as “wisdom”, “character”, and “grace”. Goleman's terminology has appeal in today's quantitatively-oriented culture, but the concept of emotion management or emotional control has always been recognized as the pillars of a successful life.

For Asian Americans the notion of EQ must include the ability to cope with the special stresses and conflicts arising from our status in a society that has only lately begun to recognize that Asian Americans are entitled to be treated with equality, fairness and dignity. Even an Asian American with the EQ to meet the usual demands of success can become derailed unless he can cope effectively with these additional challenges.

They typically take the form of emotional dilemmas. Here's an example. You have a nice home, drive nice cars and have kids who do well in school. This provokes envy and resentment. Some of the neighbors use racial slurs loudly enough for you to overhear. You would like to confront the offenders but your kids seem to be well accepted and you don't want to jeopardize their emotional security by becoming confrontational about race. At the same time you don't want your kids to grow up tacitly acquiescing to bigotry.

Here's another example. You are successful in your career. Officially, you enjoy respect and even some status in the company. You have become aware that several colleagues have formed a clique dedicated to subjecting you to a steady stream of petty racial offenses. They murmur slurs like “chink” and “gook” as soon as you pass by or when your back is turned. They share jokes about Asians within earshot. You are having trouble keeping your anger in check and want to confront them but don't want to appear hostile and defensive to others with whom you enjoy positive relationships.

These kinds of racial offenses mar the days of even the most successful and prominent Asians in America like Senator Daniel Inouye (“That little Jap.”), Houston Rockets star Yao Ming (gibberish mocking the Chinese language) and Dodgers Assistant General Manager Kim Ng (ditto), among a long list of others. I sometimes think of this as the “Asian American Tax”. Even those of us with exceptional emotional control can become angry, frustrated, bitter and depressed. I am convinced that the only way for Asian Americans to avoid falling victim to these additional emotional stresses is to adopt strategies that substitute positive, empowering responses for the negatives ones that can otherwise undermine us. Here are seven resolutions that embody these strategies.

1. I will accept and embrace the duality inherent in being an Asian American.

The ability to function while simultaneously holding two contradictory truths is the sign of a first-rate intellect. That's one of F. Scott Fitzgerald's more profound observations. This is precisely the mental skill Asian Americans must cultivate in order to function effectively in American society. On the one hand, we know that we are Americans, with the legal and moral claim to be treated as such. On the other hand, we know that many of our fellow Americans see us as aliens regardless of our acculturation or the number of generations our families may have been here. We must somehow reconcile these two conflicting truths in order to meet the demands of professional and social life.

One extreme is the person who fixates on the ideal of equality and turns each offense into grounds for a moral stand. This person would get so caught up in anger, frustration and bitterness that little or no energy would be available for the usual demands of professional, social and family life.

The other extreme is the person who fixates on the idea that as a racial minority Asian Americans are doomed to suffer bigotry. That person sees American society as being incapable of providing fair and equal treatment and adopts a pessimistic, fatalistic and ultimately defeatist attitude toward life. 

Obviously, neither extreme produces a fulfilling life.

The healthy solution is to recognize the duality inherent not only in human life but in nature itself. Students of physics know that matter and energy are but the two faces of reality. They learn that light can behave like particles and atoms can behave like waves. Doctors know that despite every advance in medical science, faith and optimism can heal where medicine fails. Lovers know that even ideal love contains the seeds of conflicts that can tear the lovers apart.

High-EQ Asian Americans recognize a similar duality in being members of a racial minority. They understand that racial bias is an inescapable condition but also that the bias doesn't preclude the building of successful and satisfying lives. The most successful Asian Americans have spoken of the ways in which they built their successes while coping daily with racial offenses. In fact, the more successful and secure an Asian American, the more readily he discusses the burden of being an Asian in America. He knows that the burden is best relieved by sharing it with others who have experienced it instead of hiding it as a source of shame or embarassment. In my opinion, the best evidence of having mastered the duality inherent in being a racial minority is openly discussing racial bias while taking pride in the successes they've achieved in the face of racial bias.

2. I will see every person as a unique individual.

The ultimate defeat in life is believing that everyone you meet is like the worst person you've ever met.

Most Asian Americans come into daily contact with people who see us through the lens of ignorance, bigotry and hate. We also encounter people who treat us with sympathy and good will. If we have had change slapped on the counter by a white sales clerk, it's easy to be aloof and wary toward the next white person we encounter. To give in to that impulse would put us on an emotional downward spiral and foreclose the positive encounters that can fill us with confidence and optimism.

It isn't easy being friendly and open after an unpleasant encounter. It takes even more effort for Asian Americans because we must wrestle with the suspicion of bigotry. With our small numbers relative to other racial groups, we face the largest numbers of encounters with potential bigotry. On the flip side, if we stop seeing an individual behind each face, we stand to lose the biggest number of potentially rewarding relationships. Seeing each person as an individual is the daily effort that keeps open the possibilities for a successful life.

3. I will cultivate a voice of my own.

American culture pays lip service to silence but respects noise. Celebrities enjoy popularity in direct proportion to the loudness of their personal styles, music, wheels. Asian Americans, on the other hand, have been slapped with labels that suggest silence: quietly industrious, humble, unable to speak English, even “the silent minority.“ These stereotypes give a surprisingly large number of Americans the sense that they can treat Asians with less than the normal level of respect. Consequently, Asian Americans start each encounter from the psychological deficit of having to overcome unspoken assumptions of superior power and status.

That's why it's important for each Asian American to cultivate a voice. It doesn't have to be as loud and obnoxious as a rap star's, but it does have to be clear and distinctive. Even a simple greeting like, “Howdy!” is enough to dispel stereotypes that can engender unpleasant encounters. In more extended encounters, verbalizing more of your opinions and impressions will have a profound impact on the degree of respect you are given by colleagues or acquaintences.

In American society power is often measured in terms of the authority with which one articulates shared values and experiences. Many Americans of average intellect and education enjoy surprising success in the business and professional worlds by their adeptness at speaking their minds. Some Asian Americans view such people as being given to shameful self-promotion or lacking personal dignity. To the contrary, I believe that using one's voice to secure respect and advantage is a high-EQ step toward realizing one's full potential. Whether we like it or not, our success in life is often determined more by what we show the world than by what we have learned of the world. To put it another way, what good are our reputedly above-average IQs and superior educational levels, unless we give voice to our thoughts?

Finding a voice is one of the most rewarding ways to enjoy increased respect and emotional fulfillment. I believe it's even more important to encourage our kids to become both comfortable with and skilled at verbal expression.

4. I will make my body a source of confidence.

Sheer confidence decides the outcome of most human encounters. As long as we are creatures of flesh and blood, our self-confidence will be rooted in our physical abilities. The knowledge that you run the marathon in three-fifty or bench press two-fifty-five or beat opponents to the punch gives you a level of confidence that translates directly into automatic respect from even hardened bigots and racists. More respect means fewer bad encounters to distract you from more important concerns. It's been my experience that, in fact, getting in shape is already one of the high-EQ traits of many Asian Americans. 

5. I will draw lines in the sand at my convenience.

Those with strong self-images often see ourselves as representatives for all Asian Americans. This sense of duty makes us sacrifice our own personal comfort and convenience to stand up for racial dignity and equality. This is a noble impulse. The EQ issue here is whether it's wise to go ballistic at every suspected racial offense.

A high-EQ individual recognizes the strategic disadvantage of giving others the power to disrupt one's life at the time and place of their choosing. We can't dictate the timing of racial offenses but we can decide when drawing a line in the sand is a good use of the limited time and energy we can devote to confrontations with bigots. Giving yourself the power to make that decision will increase your emotion control and make you a more effective advocate for Asian American dignity and equality.

In making the decision to turn an offense into a full-blown racial encounter, consider how sure you are that a racial offense was intended, whether you enjoy a high probability of a positive outcome, and whether you are willing to risk spoiling that particular occasion by focusing everyone's attention on an unpleasant aspect of life. Remember that there will always be plenty of racial offenses that merit your moral indignation, but the occasion may never come again.

I remember a Sunday afternoon about ten years ago. I took my grandparents out for dinner at a pricey restaurant. I wanted the occasion to be memorable. As the meal progressed I became increasingly angry. Not only did our waiter treat us with what appeared to be disdainful aloofness, he didn't bring our dinners until the plates were lukewarm. By dessert I was boiling over at what I took to be racially bigoted service. Despite my grandparents' protests, I stormed off to find the manager and raised hell. The manager tried to smooth things over but the the mood had been spoiled for my grandparents and for me.

I can't say that I would have been happier had I swallowed by indignation, but I suspect that my grandparents would have enjoyed the dinner more. That turned out to be the last time I saw my grandfather as he passed away a few months later.

6. I will give my kids the benefit of my experience in handling bigotry.
The toughest dilemma for Asian Americans is knowing when to shelter loved ones from racial offenses. Several years ago my approach was to insulate my wife and kids from anything that might dampen their mood. On countless occasions I had seethed with anger at offensive remarks that only I had heard while trying to feign interest in the conversation. I felt handcuffed by my reluctance to expose my family to racism and bigotry.

I changed my approach after my wife told me that our son, then a third-grader, had received detention for kicking a classmate who had pulled out the corners of his eyes at him. That was when I was forced to accept the truth I had been avoiding: my kids were going to suffer racial offenses no matter how much I tried to shield them. I decided that it was wiser to give them the benefit of my own hard-earned experience in coping with racial offenses than to continue my charade.
While I can't say I came to look forward to racial offenses, I began seeing them as opportunities to teach my kids. I showed them to use humor and wordplay to counter offensive words and behavior. If we heard a pointed “It's nippy out,&rduqo; I taught them to say, “Don't get the hiccups,” with extra emphasis on the “hic”. If we heard people using slurs like “jap” or “chink” or “gook”, I taught them to say, “I keep hearing hicks and rednecks,” or “Oooh, can you just smell the ignorance and hate?” If we were mistreated at a store or restaurant, I taught them how to show ire, leave small tips, complain to the manager or even write letters to corporate headquarters, as the situation merited.
Gone were the days when I would seethe alone. Now we join in making life unpleasant for racial offenders. This approach has given my kids more, not less, confidence, and brought us closer together.

7. I will appreciate the advantages of being an Asian American.
The many challenges of being an Asian American can sometimes make us ask, “Why couldn't I just have been white or born in an Asian nation?” The truth is that every burden carries the potential for a corresponding advantage. Being an Asian American may hinder relations with some people, but it enhances our connection with twelve million other Asian Americans. This is one advantage that white Americans don't enjoy. Members of a majority don't share an automatic camaraderie. Instead they create divisions among themselves by focusing on subtle socioeconomic or cultural distinctions.
The instant connection we Asian Americans enjoy is a valuable advantage that often translates into friendships and career opportunities. By recognizing and using this and other blessings of being an Asian American, you will feel empowered rather than burdened by your identity.